My own Bubble

I have had quite a few of you asking me, when is my next post.

I have been wrapped up in my own little bubble, it's really quite nice in here. 

On a serious note. 

Writing down my past feelings brought back a lot of emotions and memories, some of which I had forgotten. I have needed to deal with this in my own way. 

Writing this blog started my journey to true recovery. I decided to get rid of plastering up my emotions with antidepressants, no partying the nights away, no stupid training regime and no 'starving' myself or bingeing on chocolate.... These are my usual tricks to ignore the pain inside. 

I have decided to feel my pain and let it burn. If I do not feel the pain, how will it go away? It wont, it will stay forever. All that pain will eat away inside, without me even realising. One day it will show its ugly head in the form of a bitter, twisted, single mum who hates men (and women) and will just be sad. I certainly do not want to be that person. I want to stay me. Faithful and truthful to myself. I want to be light of hard emotions and have learnt from my past and use it to be a better version of myself. I'm really doing it. 

I am finding out a lot about myself. Some stuff is coming up that I really have pushed aside for so many years. Suddenly, on my own and I am not scared anymore to think what I want to think and I am not scared to feel what I feel. How can what I feel be wrong or silly or stupid? It's how I feel, it's not wrong! 

I used to constantly feel guilty. About everything! Seriously just ask my close friends.... I am really good at my 'instructor face' (you fit pros know what I mean!) at all times. Inside the head of Lola I will be guilty because I was happy at work, when I should be at home. I would feel guilty for having a coffee, when kids were in nursery?! I would feel guilty for watching TV when I should be studying or researching. I would feel guilty for partying, when the kids were with there dads?!...... I would even feel guilty for having a hangover. I felt guilty if i was laughing with F but not with C. I even was genuinely happy but felt guilty. That's it though, it is all part of the depression cycle. It's my pain body, making me feel worse about how I'm already feeling. This is why I decided to just focus. I was getting in such a mess. Instead of patching myself up and pretending all the time, I needed to STOP. We all need to stop sometimes.  

Stop, feel the pain, let it burn, blow it out, learn from it, carry on. 

Friends and Family used too always take the piss out of me for being scatty, being in a bubble.... 'Thats such a Lola thing to do' and it hurt me. I was never really taken seriously. It annoyed me and I used to second guess and doubt myself all the time.

Confidence was never my strong point. REALLY self-conscious about EVERYTHING. Probably why I have been an easy target. 

I am learning that actually I am in a bubble. It's not a bad thing.... When needed ill keep everyone safe and warm! 

My bubble. I used to be called Lola Bubbles. My dear friend LuLu called me Lola Bubbles and it summed me up nicely. But guess what. As I learn more about myself. That is just who I am.