"Nice Day for a White Wedding"

Today 8/6/13 is supposed to be my wedding day.

Venue was all booked and nearly all paid for.... Dress was chosen, invites in envelope, quartet being auditioned.

January 1st 2013 started the beginning of the end. I called it off. Shit. Fuck. Bollocks. I've done it.

Today I feel strange. Free. New. Light. Care free. The person who I am. Today I feel like the jigsaw piece that does not fit.... But guess what? That's ME. LOLA. But I am sad. I can't help it.

Last night, I was home alone and all I could think about was what I was supposed to be doing. I had a girly PJ party organised in the bridal suite. I was supposed to be sipping champagne with my girls and giggling with butterflies at marrying my forever love. But he wasn't. Was he?

Just because I finally made the decision does not mean that this hurts any less. If anything it hurts more because if I had kept quiet and put up with it all then I would not have hurt him. Or anyone else. We could all be having a gorgeous wedding weekend in an old boutique manor house. Complete with sunflowers, champagne, pixie dust, fairies and angels.

I am sorry for the pain I feel I caused.

Maybe one day those people who have faded will understand. It will be too late. The stronger I feel myself become the more I understand that those people who have gone were pretending too???

Finding out who is real in your life hurts. In silence.

Like many people believe, this was not out of the blue. It might make them feel better thinking it was.

Head in the sand is a wonderful thing but come up for breath and you will see the truth. The truth hurts but when resolved will end in Love... The love of someone or the love of yourself. After the truth it will be unconditional.

Tonight I'm not sleeping with my new husband, I'm sleeping on my own. Happy. Honest. Proud.

Sweet dreams everyone xxx

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