I start to wonder.
When did this all start? Where did I go wrong? DID I go wrong or Is this the path my soul wanted me to take? Why me? Why do I forgive so much?
I just don't get it!
I can't start this blog at the beginning as I am not sure where the beginning is. I'm just going to write as and where my thoughts and experiences take me.
I was married young, to my sweetheart. I really wanted to be happy and have a growing career and to be successful. I thought marriage and money meant success.... At 21 I had a lovely, gorgeous church wedding with an amazing honeymoon of 3 weeks in St Lucia, I had a job with huge money prospects and I was doing really well.
At 23, stood in my own house, in my own kitchen, giving my baby bulldog big huggles (all this and i was only 23!) and I thought. Gosh. Im pregnant?! Along came my gorgeous baby boy.....2 days before my 24th birthday.
Life was amazing and everything I had planned. Note: Planned. I gave into the pressure of marriage and a career powered by money. Money meant power. Happy meant married.
What I failed to tell ANYONE was throughout my pregnancy, my devoted, loving, handsome husband was lying. To me. To everyone.
I had a gorgeous baby boy. Perfect.
4 months passed. He was sleeping with his 'friend'. How did I find out?.... I can't write in that much detail. I just found out.
This was hard. This was a heartbreak. My world crashed to the floor. I drove to my mums, tiny baby and bulldog in tow. I got to the front door and fell to my knees.
Breathe. I can do this.
At the time I found out about 1 of the affairs I was in the process of changing my career from 24:7 workaholic Recruitment Consultant to Level 3 Personal Trainer... I wanted to help women deliver healthfully and be strong and knowledgeable about there body's. I saw a massive potential in Maries business, FitMama. I wanted to still be successful but in a more meaningful, passion driven job and be able to work around my new baby and husband. I now felt alone.
I still wanted my new passion and so I continued to be superwoman. I carried on working full time in recruitment, baby was looked after by my ever faithful parents, I came home, did mummy duties, then studied and so it went on. Oh I'd sneak half a bottle of wine in a night. Eventually, after completing Level 2 of my qualifications, I found a job in a gym. Huge pay cut!! But I needed to take the drop to end up where I wanted to be in the end.
I felt such a failure.
My baby, whose love brought me so much pain was looked after in a strange nursery place and being passed pillar to post between family. All I ever seemed to do was put him to bed and then go back out to work! That gorgeous boy I made and I didn't even get to have the joy of being mummy to him. I missed his first steps, his first crawl, his first sentence. If he was ill, I still had to work. It was all down to me. Who else was going to do it for him, who else was going to feed, cloth and clean him? All these other mums doing there thing..... Coffees, baby sensory, messy play, playgroups etc Going home, making house, making dinner and snuggles on the sofa, enjoying days out!
24, single mum, no man, no suit, no career, no money, working full time and in the system of benefits.
It was a dark place.
I felt like, I still do feel like..... I love this child so much but I am obviously not good enough for him. I can't be a proper Mummy. I wasn't good enough for his Dad, my husband. I cried so much. It took all my will power to get out of bed, to feed him. He would cry, I would cry. It hurt to the pits of my stomach. I phoned my mum at 2am (soooo many times) 'he won't stop and I have to be at work in 4 hours', 'oh shit, I need to get petrol too', 'I've got no money to get petrol because I need to get his milk formula, but if I don't get petrol, I can't get to work to buy his milk formula' ... It's ok, I'll turn off my radiator, ill just eat £1 pizzas.
I craved love, someone to want me, someone to hug me, someone to love me! I wanted my son, I wanted him so much it hurt like a bulldozer in my stomach.
Was this the beginning?
I think I will stop trying to find the beginning.... There is no point really of where it started... I was bullied in school but had an AMAZING childhood. Was it there? All I know is this particular time I am talking about now is still in the bottom of my heart. It still hurts and even though he is now 4, I still miss my baby Choo,
I am sorry if I rambled this, but I needed to explain this little bit so you understand the rest a little better.
My baby Choo is gorgeous, happy, kind, sensitive, tough, loved and loves.
I DID THAT 😍 x
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