We become pregnant, everyone congratulates us, amazing, well done, you must be so happy...... Umm nope!
At first I thought, I would get a few sly comments from people, 'that was quick' but I overall I was chuffed. My boyfriend was chuffed too, we were going to make a go of it and raise a little family. Together. However, for me, this is when my 'perfect man' turned from loving to controlling. OR I turned from sane, pretty, fit, fun Lola to insane, fat, ugly, useless housewife.
I couldn't wash clothes the right way, dinner was not ready in time, C was not behaving the correct way, I was always late, doing too much for other people, I talked shit, was lazy, had a saggy arse and sex was not enough. True?? I thought so. It was confusing though because I was paid to live in the house and I had no money problems anymore. Anything I wanted I could have, if I asked. I was always allowed out with my friends if it suited 2. Baths were ran for me on occasions and we would often go to the cinema to watch what he wanted to watch. He brought me clothes, shoes....Spoilt.... Right?
My slender, toned, size 8 body was taken over by this thing that was growing inside. I knew I loved it but it wasent anything. It was a HUGE bump that came with lack of sleep, pelvic girdle pain, massive fat stores and it came with a man who I was trying to love and a man I was trying to fix. A man who couldn't love my child and a man who hated my new body...
I can remember one Saturday we had picked up 2's eldest son and we were in town having a mooch.... I can't even remember what was said but it was yet another argument between him and his ex.... AGAIN. Every time she became involved in our lives, his eyes would literally glaze over, like a shark! Obviously, at the time I blamed her.I hated the effect she had on my 'happy ever after' She affected my life massively and my step son affected C's life too. It was all based around her and his son. We did not get a look in.... Neither did this bump! I left 2 and the boys in town and went home. I knew that leaving C in town without me would mean he would get 'picked on'. I felt guilty. I'm the middle of the living room floor on all fours and I bang my head on the wood floor, about 6 times. It did not hurt enough.... I stand up, walk towards the kitchen and bang my head 4 times on the kitchen wall.... Why was I not bleeding! Why was I not knocked out yet?
One day I was so cross at 2 that I picked up C, dropped him off at his Dads and just drove.... I drove to a place where I was a little girl again. Drive to a time when I was loved. Tenby in Wales. My Nanny Thomas loved having me, she used to make me feel so warm and we watched musicals, cooked, swam in the sea, ate scones and always had Horlicks at bedtime. I wanted to run away and I seriously was thinking about giving up the baby and then I could just start again. C would not miss me.... He had his Dad. This new baby would get a good family. Or he could have his Dad. I was the one with the problem. Not him. BUT you know what made me go home.... Id be letting down the FitMamas. Who would teach tomorrow night? (Hindsight...!)
I'm really not sure how to describe Antenatal depression.
I wanted it all to go away. I could not escape. I was completely trapped in my own body. My voice could not be heard. My bump was vile. I was a disgusting mother. A disappointing 'wife' Even my 1st husband felt the need to disown me in my 1st pregnancy.... He needed to lie and cheat. It must ALL be my fault.
Everyone deserved better than this!
Yet I still smiled. No one knew. No one.
Pictures from the book: The FitMama Method: Your Complete Guide to Confidence and Fitness for Birth. Author (my very clever Soul Sister) Marie Behenna
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