"Nice Day for a White Wedding"

Today 8/6/13 is supposed to be my wedding day.

Venue was all booked and nearly all paid for.... Dress was chosen, invites in envelope, quartet being auditioned.

January 1st 2013 started the beginning of the end. I called it off. Shit. Fuck. Bollocks. I've done it.

Today I feel strange. Free. New. Light. Care free. The person who I am. Today I feel like the jigsaw piece that does not fit.... But guess what? That's ME. LOLA. But I am sad. I can't help it.

Last night, I was home alone and all I could think about was what I was supposed to be doing. I had a girly PJ party organised in the bridal suite. I was supposed to be sipping champagne with my girls and giggling with butterflies at marrying my forever love. But he wasn't. Was he?

Just because I finally made the decision does not mean that this hurts any less. If anything it hurts more because if I had kept quiet and put up with it all then I would not have hurt him. Or anyone else. We could all be having a gorgeous wedding weekend in an old boutique manor house. Complete with sunflowers, champagne, pixie dust, fairies and angels.

I am sorry for the pain I feel I caused.

Maybe one day those people who have faded will understand. It will be too late. The stronger I feel myself become the more I understand that those people who have gone were pretending too???

Finding out who is real in your life hurts. In silence.

Like many people believe, this was not out of the blue. It might make them feel better thinking it was.

Head in the sand is a wonderful thing but come up for breath and you will see the truth. The truth hurts but when resolved will end in Love... The love of someone or the love of yourself. After the truth it will be unconditional.

Tonight I'm not sleeping with my new husband, I'm sleeping on my own. Happy. Honest. Proud.

Sweet dreams everyone xxx

Comments

My own Bubble

I have had quite a few of you asking me, when is my next post. I have been wrapped up in my own little bubble, it's really quite nice in here. On a serious note. Writing down my past feelings brought back a lot of emotions and memories, some of which I had forgotten. I have needed to deal with this in my own way. Writing this blog started my journey to true recovery. I decided to get rid of plastering up my emotions with antidepressants, no partying the nights away, no stupid training regime and no 'starving' myself or bingeing on chocolate.... These are my usual tricks to ignore the pain inside. I have decided to feel my pain and let it burn. If I do not feel the pain, how will it go away? It wont, it will stay forever. All that pain will eat away inside, without me even realising. One day it will show its ugly head in the form of a bitter, twisted, single mum who hates men (and women) and will just be sad. I certainly do not want to be that person. I want to stay me.

Everyone is beautiful

I have never been short of friends and never been short of friends. At school I had lots of girlfriends and everyother week I had a new boyfriend. Haha! Although I was bullied, by just a couple of boys. They were so so mean! I was never 'miss popular' and I was never the 'boffin' I was not a 'geek' I was just me. Thats all I have ever been, me. I'm like a jigsaw peace that doesn't quite fit, it has that extra notch on it.... I truely believe, ALL people should take ALL people for there good and bad. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone has flaws. Everyone is strong and everyone is weak at times. Everyone has naughty secrets and everyone lies.... Why? because we are all scared of the truth. Why? Because people dictate who and what we should be. Media, schools, exams, careers, money, even our warped view of love dictates to u s. If we are not there idea of normal, we need to lie about who we are....Who are all these people we are worried about? Those who tr

Where did it begin...

I start to wonder. When did this all start? Where did I go wrong? DID I go wrong or Is this the path my soul wanted me to take? Why me? Why do I forgive so much? I just don't get it! I can't start this blog at the beginning as I am not sure where the beginning is. I'm just going to write as and where my thoughts and experiences take me. I was married young, to my sweetheart. I really wanted to be happy and have a growing career and to be successful. I thought marriage and money meant success.... At 21 I had a lovely, gorgeous church wedding with an amazing honeymoon of 3 weeks in St Lucia, I had a job with huge money prospects and I was doing really well. At 23, stood in my own house, in my own kitchen, giving my baby bulldog big huggles (all this and i was only 23!) and I thought. Gosh. Im pregnant?! Along came my gorgeous baby boy.....2 days before my 24th birthday. Life was amazing and everything I had planned. Note: Planned . I gave into the pressure of marriage

The Truth: Beginning of the End

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