Antenatal depression.

I'm ready.

Today has been a very good day. Today I have spoken out loud about the most taboo subject ever. 

I spoke about my dark days of antenatal depression. 

Age 26, pregnant with 2nd baby, 2nd father, 2nd chance to make my ideal family work.

I wanted such a happy life for my babies. I wanted them to be loved and experience happiness and have memories the same as I had, had. I wanted to give them the world and I was willing to sacrifice for this. 

I could pretend forever. I dident matter. 

My 2nd Baby's Dad (ill call him 2, for ease)  had an extra tough time loving my first born. These were his own issues. I could not understand why though. He was strict on him, stricter than he was on his own Son. C (baby 1) really fought to be loved by 2.... Everything he did, I could see he was just trying to impress. It tore my heart. I hated it. I hated 2 telling C off, I hated him inflicting rules and being hard on him. C needed it? He needed discipline? I Molly coddled him? I was too soft on him? So I was told. However, Everyone thought C was adorable, loving, polite and gorgeous. Obviously they were all lying to me?! Even 2's friends would moan at how tough he was on C..... Why did I put up with it. My baby. 

Thing is I was pregnant with 2's baby. I had no choice. 

I did not want this. 

I had to make it work for the sake of baby. I had failed once, I could not do it AGAIN, not to another baby. Ill just go along with it. 

Thing is.... I hated this thing that was attached to me. That is the hardest thing in the world, creating something so magical and feeling disgusted by it. 

I told no one. 

I was a FitMama Trainer. I was teaching pregnancy exercise for all these women who were so happy and loved up with themselves and there partner. I felt sick every time I taught. Pretending. 

I felt insane. I felt so alone. I tried to talk to him but it was brushed off. I was silly. 

I could not  cope with C and 2 not loving each other but it was tough I MUST make this work.  

I could not cope with how perfect I had to be. I'm not perfect. I am me. Love me for me.

My head was so loud and crammed full of noises, ugly colours, screams. It was horrible. BUT I had to be this devoted caring mother who had her happy ever after. I should feel damn lucky. All these FitMamas looked up to me.... 'Wow you look fab', 'our pregnant instructor' ...... 

I had antenatal depression.